Is Change Good?

Okay, I really did try getting this post up before June 27th, but it wasn't working. Lately, life has been weird. I know you guys know that I'm pretty insecure, what teenage girl isn't?! But, I love to write. And the thing is, I live my fantasies through my stories. People like to ask me what I'm writing about and I get embarrased telling them that I write about girls in high school like romance stuff and things like that. I'm afraid people will think I'm weird. But, I don't know. I was in the car with my friend today—we went to the library and my mom was driving her home—and we were talking about how these girls we both hate, hate her because she was really well-opinionated. And she said, 'I'd rather be hated for what I am, than be liked for what I'm not'. And in that moment, I was jealous of her. Because whenever I was with her, she would always speak up about what she felt wasn't right and I couldn't do that. Something in me, all the time, just says that you're not good enough. The world doesn't need you. And that you're not pretty or things like that. How do I get rid of that?! But, lately I've been reading a lot of interesting things. Like, they are just inspirational and they're always saying to fuck off because nobody else matters but you and they work and keep me happy until I face a situation and I just end up falling into the crowd. But, in some situations I am myself. I don't remember exactly when. Like, I was just thinking about how I don't feel pretty. Because whenever I don't like shower for a day or two, or my nails aren't cut perfectly, or my hair isn't straightened and out, I am not taking care of myself. For one, I'm mixed. So, my hair doesn't need to be washed every single day. It's not my fault my toenails grow like tallons and I don't always have the time to cut them and you know what? It takes a lot to be beautiful. But when I'm constantly getting told that I need to do something to make myself look better, how am I not supposed to be insecure? I'm growing up in a house where my older sister is supposed to be my rolemodel. Okay, my sister is like 5'1, she's petite, she has nice boobs, nice butt, amazing hair, pretty face and she knows who she is and what she wants to be. But nobody in my family gets that I'm struggling. When I wake up in the morning and I'm finished getting ready, she doesn't tell me that I look pretty. Everyday when we had school, she would get ready and I always told her she looked so pretty that day. Always. And I probably got it back, once or twice. I feel like nobody really understands the pain that I go through of being insecure every day, every moment and it sucks. But here's something I just read about how to stop being so insecure:


screw being humble, make yourself think you're hot shit


I think I know what I want to do. Sometimes, it's not just about saying you're gorgeous. Sometimes, you need to make yourself feel gorgeous. I'm not saying I'm going out to get plastic surgery or something. But here are some things I'm thinking about doing to make myself feel good:

• Getting highlights & hair extensions.

I used to have the longest hair ever. It was 1 inch shorter than being 3 feet and people always commented on it. I think I like it short, but sometimes I miss it long. So anyway, I really want highlights for the summer and I want hair extensions to make my hair long again.

• Colored Contacts

I have bad eyes as it is and if I could change my eye color to something I actually wanted than I think I could be happier.

• Get my teeth whitened. 

I have braces right now, so I don't know if you could do it with that. I hope you can.

• Buy padded bra's.

My boobs are pretty small. 'Nuff said. 

• Buy the clothes that make me happy.

I'm really into buying cool things lately. I already have an outfit picked out for the first day of 8th grade that I want. A black crop top, high waisted shorts, fishnet stockings and Chuck Taylor's. I'm not trying to be a super-slut here, but here's the picture of the outfit inspiration:

But I think it's really cute and Avril Lavigne is starting to become my rolemodel.

• Pink and Green streak.

This one also came from Avril Lavigne. I want a pink streak in the front of my hair on the right side and a green streak between the front and the mid-back of my hair. I think it'll look really cool.

• Industrial bar earring.

It was either this or a belly-button ring and my mom said I could get it at 15. So, waiting on that for 2 more years.


Basically, I just really want to change my look to Avril Lavigne's style. I think these things will really help my self-esteem because I know that these are things I want to change about my body, so hopefully I can actually convince my parents. My plan is: get these things done before school starts. So all I need to prove to my parents is that, I can keep my room clean, listen to them and I've grown up. So, let's hope this works. I hope this post was long enough for you! Sorry I didn't post the 24th, 25th, or, technically, the 26th. But I did get onto the whole 'new post' thing at 11:59 p.m., so technically I'm in the clear! Okay, bye.


Quote Of The Post: Sometimes it take's more than just a simple, 'you're beautiful'.


XO, The Girl Behind The Laptop.